


Lover

by julesherondalex



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: ACOTAR AU Week, Angst with a Happy Ending, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, acotar au week day 2, day 2 roommate au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:47:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21721723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/julesherondalex/pseuds/julesherondalex
Summary: Oh my God, they were roommates.Song of the Fic: Lover - Taylor Swift ;)
Relationships: Elain Archeron/Azriel, elriel - Relationship
Comments: 14
Kudos: 82
Collections: ACOTAR AU Week, ACOTAR AU Week Day 2





	1. Chapter 1

“I’m home!”

Elain jumped in surprise and promptly missed the bowl, spilling potato chips all over the kitchen tiles. She groaned.

“Argh. You scared me!” Kneeling to the floor with a huff she picked up the scattered chips and wiped the remaining grease stains with a cloth.

Her attempt to fill the bowl succeeded this time which Elain celebrated by adding a handful of m&m’s, for good measure. As she made her way into the living room, she noted that Az had disappeared in his bedroom already, probably changing into some comfortable clothes.

“How was your date?” she called as the chips/m&m’s bowl was arranged right next to the bag of gummy bears and glanced at the clock. “And why are you home already? It’s only ten.”

Ah, shit. She had forgotten to prepare something to drink. Eyeing her choice of sweets – the questionable amount of deleterious food she planned to inhale – and decided to go all or nothing. A hot chocolate would make a perfect addition to this table.

Rushing back into the kitchen with renewed vigor, she passed Azriel’s room while his door stood partly open. Elain blushed and quickly averted her eyes when she spotted him clad only in his boxers. Thank God his back was turned to her.

“It was good, I guess. I dropped her off on my way back home.”

His voice sounded closer now, as if he was walking into their shared bathroom. Elain listened to the water running while Azriel washed his hands.

Shuffling in the kitchen, preparing two mugs of hot chocolate, Elain wondered about this girl – _Katy_ , Az had called her – and what she might be like. Az never brought his dates back to their place; she never even got to meet the girls he dated. Not that they lasted long.

She had no idea what Azriel appreciated in women at all, and it would have been a lie to deny her curiosity. Well, if they were anything like Mor, Elain assumed he would have settled for one already.

Nodding to herself, Elain thought, if Az was searching for someone like Morrigan, he might have set himself up to failure. The woman was of unmatched beauty and personality all the same.

“What are you up to?” Azriel asked. “Giving yourself a sugar shock?”

Elain grinned. So he had seen her stash in the living room already. But he hadn’t seen the hot chocolate she was currently putting on a tray and the marshmallows she added to both mugs.

“I’m having a movie night,” she said as she made her way into the living room. Much lighter now than before. The heaviness that had settled onto her mood earlier was gone. “Harry Potter.”

“Again?” Azriel’s deep voice resounded with amusement, making her smile once more.

“Hey. You can’t judge me. That’s part of our arrangement called friendship.”

He had changed into his grey sweatpants and a white hoodie – one of Elain’s favorite looks on him, it made him look _so_ comfy – and was currently skimming through today’s mail.

Without looking up at her, he grinned. “I don’t know of such an arrangement but you know I’m never judging you, you nerd.”

Elain put both mugs on the coffee table to all the other disastrous sweets, and pouted to herself. “That’s it. I’m drinking your hot chocolate too.”

Fully expecting another witty remark by her roommate, Elain halted and turned as none came. She was met with a strange expression on his face as he beheld her; his eyes fixed on the length of her body, his mouth slightly parted. If Elain didn’t know any better, she’d say his cheeks were tainted deep red, but it was too dim to be certain and he turned too quickly from her.

“Is that my shirt?” he asked then, hoarsely.

Elain peered down at her outfit – indeed, one of Azriel’s old shirts that went to her thighs and some over-knee socks. A shock-like fear took ahold of her for the smallest second; fear that she might have crossed a line she wasn’t aware of and that he didn’t appreciate her taking his clothes. But the moment was over when Azriel faced her again and none of the tension remained in his expression. She had probably imagined it anyway.

“Yes. It’s very comfy to wear and I forgot to wash my own oversized shirt.” She crossed her fingers behind her back with the lie. “You don’t mind, do you?”

He didn’t look at her but sat on the couch, stretching his long limbs and sighing. “Nope.”

“You okay?” Elain watched him with suspicion now, eyeing a weariness to his face she hadn’t noticed earlier. “Are you sure your night went great? It’s still very early to come home from a date.”

He frowned. “I didn’t say it went great, just ‘good’.”

Elain made her way to the couch, hopping over Azriel’s legs and plopping down next to him. She reached and pushed his hair out of his eyes, enjoying the way the strands felt like thick satin between her fingers. Az glanced at her out of the corner of his eye, letting his head fall back and sighing again. It was heavier this time, that sigh. Something must be bothering him.

Elain wondered if it had anything to do with _Katy_ – and instantly felt bad for the way she had thought of that name, with such … distaste. She didn’t even know the woman.

“Besides,” Azriel added into the silence, “Dropping her home at ten is pretty appropriate for a second date. I don’t know what you expected.”

Elain shot him a suggestive look, raising her brows. She’d understood his hesitancy at their first date but …

Her expression seemed to agitate him though, his brow furrowed into a deep frown while a blush settled on his cheeks.

“It was our _second_ date. I wouldn’t have gone home with her. I’m a gentleman.”

Elain nudged his side with her elbow, wanting the frown out of his face, regretting her insinuating behavior. “No man who felt the need to state that would be considered a gentleman, you know.”

It was a joke, of course. Azriel was the embodiment of a gentleman. Her best friend was the most decent person she knew, and he should have known too, that she was only teasing him. He was gentleman enough that Katy would probably combust by the time he allowed the next step. For some reason that brought an evil satisfaction to her chest.

Azriel’s mouth tugged into a sullen line though, eyes casting down to hide the soreness in them.

“Aw, come on Az,” Elain cooed, wrapping her arms around his neck and laying her head on his shoulder, looking up at him with doe-eyes. “I’m only teasing. I’m glad you didn’t stay with her.”

This seemed to surprise him, and he let go of that insulted expression, unwittingly doing so. He couldn’t stay mad at her, just couldn’t. “You are?”

“Of course,” she chimed and sweetly pecked his cheek. “Now you can join me for Harry Potter night and drink hot chocolate with me! Who needs dates anyway?”

Azriel rolled his eyes at that, but a smile tugged at his lips nevertheless. “Sure, kiddo.”

This earned him a swat against the neck. “You promised not to call me that, _Azzy_.”

“Welcome to the boulevard of broken promises. Life is dark and depressing down here,” he said, tone dry enough for any outsider to expect him to be serious. Elain was accustomed to his humor though, so she just pinched his arm and scooted over to grab the remote plus the bowl of chips from the coffee table. She picked one blue m&m and tossed it at Azriel who reacted lightning-fast and caught it in his mouth.

“Impressive, Asker.”

“Better hope so, Archeron.”

Elain grinned at him and … he grinned back. As easy as that.

No matter how often she’d seen this lazy twist to his lips, it managed to leave her a little aching inside the chest every time.

Clearing her throat, Elain leaned forward to take both mugs of hot chocolate, giving Az the one picturing a duck with shades saying _I’m duckin’ awesome_ because she knew how much he pretended to hate the cheesiness of it. She sipped from the other and shamelessly settled close to him, both their legs resting on the table. Her entire left was pressed against the length of his body – he was her natural heat provider and already used to her hogging all his warmth.

Since they couldn’t agree on their movie choice, they decided to go with Elain’s first – it was the perfect opportunity to remind him of his previous statement of being a gentleman and Elain used it, cackling evilly.

They both knew that Elain might fall asleep after Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone – her favorite Harry Potter movie – but none of them mentioned it, so she silently vowed to try and stay up for Azriel’s choice: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

“I just don’t get him,” Elain mumbled when Professor Snape made his appearance in the dungeon-like classroom and began bullying the kids. “He’s supposed to be one of the good ones. Why is he being so _mean_? I can’t believe Harry named his son after him.”

If there was one thing she hated, it was needless malice.

“It was a tribute to Snape loving Lily Potter, and saving Harry’s life on various occasions. He might act like an asshole but he did it to keep the kid safe,” Azriel countered, tossing a potato chip into his mouth.

“Sure, he might have helped them many times, but he didn’t have to act the way he did. Poor Neville’s biggest fear was Snape and the guy’s parents were _tortured_ by Bellatrix Lestrange. That’s saying a lot about Snape’s character, don’t you think?”

Azriel shrugged, now chewing on m&m’s. His stomach was as endless pit for sweets, just like hers.

“Besides,” Elain carried on, finding herself wondering about the ambivalent characters in the universe of Hogwarts. “I don’t get why he didn’t stop loving Lily. I mean, he’s loyal and all that but he would have saved himself a lot of heartache if he’d let go of her when she married another guy. Love lives from hope, right? But there was none after Lily said yes to James.”

Azriel shot her a confused look. “You’re judging him because he loved Harry’s mom?”

“I’m not judging him.” Elain shook her head, trying to phrase her thoughts. “I just think he set himself up for failure. Lily was happy with James. Maybe Snape should have at least tried to let her go or keep her memory a happier one. He was just so bitter.”

At first Azriel didn’t offer a reply which made Elain eye him in return. The intensity in his gaze shocked her a little.

He had never been one to read easily but the emotion warring in his expression looked stark like defiance, a rising tide of the feeling held back behind his controlled features while the hazel of his eyes seemed liquefied.

“Snape’s love for Lily endured more than just time and another man. It went beyond her death and into his grave. His love for her was what redeems his character to most.” Even his voice was straining with control, like he tried not to let whatever he was feeling spill over.

“He might have acted poorly towards those kids, but loving someone like he did, against all odds and reason, it requires bravery. He knew Lily would never return his feelings, but his actions were still led and woven by his love to her. So what if he was bitter? Love like that can turn anyone bitter.”

In that moment as Elain stared at him she wondered if she had hit too close to home, a spot too sore, and completely and unequivocally dedicated to Mor, whom Az must have loved at least as much as Snape loved Lily.

From the way he refused to meet her eyes it certainly seemed like he was troubled – like she’d just roiled the tides from ebb to flow. But Elain recognized the tension of his body, the intensity in his eyes even as he tried to hide it.

And it made her wonder how it must feel to love like that. How Mor had felt being loved like that by Azriel. How, maybe soon, Katy would feel like, if Azriel decided to gift his love to her. The thought left a bitter taste in Elain’s mouth and she couldn’t help but be remembered of his words.

_Love like that could turn anyone bitter._

She didn’t say another word for the rest of the movie.

…

Neither her vow nor all the sweets she’d stuffed herself with could make Elain stay up for as long as the duration of two Harry Potter movies. She’d tried but once her head found purchase in one of the cushions – she had just wanted to relax a little, _resting_ her eyes for a second – she was swept away into darkness. She faintly remembered being roused by Azriel who moved to lay down too, but being far into the land of dreams, she didn’t recognize anything but her need to sleep.

She would have kept sleeping until dawn if she hadn’t been awoken by someone stirring her shoulder.

Azriel was saying her name softly. Coming from somewhere close, his voice seemed to vibrate against her chest. She must have found a way to cuddle extremely close to him with her head laying on his chest.

He was trying to move, to wake her up, but Elain snuggled even closer, planting her arm across his waist and willing him to still.

“We should go to bed,” he whispered.

She grumbled, dizzy from layers of sleep still having its hold over her. “Don’t you dare move. I’ve never been this comfortable in my life.”

Instead of parting her body from his, she entangled her legs with Azriel’s – completely shifting on top of him. A dreamy sigh escaped her lips. He was so warm and the fabric of his hoodie so very soft.

Hesitantly, Az let one of his arms rest around her waist. Soon, the other found purchase there too. She was halfway into another dream when he began stirring again. Even through her sleepy state she could tell barely a few minutes had passed.

“You’re trying to kill me, Archeron. You’re _killing_ me.”

His voice sounded serious and tortured enough that it startled Elain into reality.

“Az, what’s going on?”

Silence met her words until she thought her friend had fallen back asleep. But then he spoke again, and it sounded merely desperate.

“Don’t you think this is weird?” He stopped. “Us, together like this?”

It took a minute for Elain to realize what he meant, the physical contact between them now scorching through her clothes, her weight on top of his she hadn’t even second-guessed.

“No. Not at all,” she found herself murmuring although a kernel of doubt lodged itself deep into her chest. She blamed her sleepy state for it. Yes, that must be why a strange awareness had overcome her, as she felt his body in a way that raised her skin in shivers.

She forced a yawn and nestled her head below his chin, folding her arms beneath her cheek. “You’re my best friend after all, and you have a very comfortable chest at that. Friends should provide comfortable chests from time to time.”

He didn’t chuckle like she had hoped; he was still and solid as stone beneath her, and then suddenly … he wasn’t.

Yanking himself up, Az held Elain by the waist and moved her off him with a resoluteness that left her yelping as if he had thrown her into a bath with ice cold water. Instinctively Elain tried to grab him but the room was dark and he easily avoided her touch. Within moments, he was out of her reach.

“Sure,” he ground out, turning away and making his way out of the living room. “Friends do that. Of course.”

He slammed his door shut and didn’t come out again.

…

“Oh,” Elain giggled, holding her hand to her mouth. A memory pushed to the forefront of her mind, vivid and glazing like most of the memories she shared with her roommate. “Azriel once –”

Lucien groaned before she could finish. “Yeah, yeah. Azriel’s already seen and done that. Whatever.”

Elain’s giggling faded, a frown crossing her face instead, directed at her co-worker as the male continued chewing his slice of pizza. “Hey, why do you sound so mean saying that?”

He rolled his eyes and shot her his familiar _stop_ - _shitting_ - _me_ -look. “Because he’s all that you ever seem to be talking about. I know he’s a great guy! The best! Marry him already.”

Elain flinched and reddened, his comment striking sore with how things stood between her and Az.

He had been strange ever since past Friday, spending most of the weekend away with his brothers. Elain barely saw his face because as soon as he returned home he retired for the night, feigning going to sleep. _Feigning_ , because Elain knew damn well he was a night owl. She had no idea what was going on with him, them, for that matter.

She huffed. “Why would I marry him, Luce? Stop being ridiculous.”

Oblivious to the sudden change in her mood – she had been trying to forget about Az all morning only that forgetting someone who she spent almost all her time with turned out to be nearly impossible – Lucien added, “I wouldn’t be surprised if you did. The one and only, the perfect Azriel Anwar Asker. The Triple A. Who wouldn’t want to marry that guy?” Another sarcastic roll of his eyes.

Elain wasn’t sure how she’d missed _this_ attitude when she met him for the first time and thought he was a harmlessly cute person.

“You know he hates when you call him Triple A,” she muttered, pushing the mushrooms she’d pulled from her pizza around the plate.

“He’s not here, is he?” He winked at her, smirking. “But I forgot you’re his advocate, sworn to loyalty for evermore.”

She glimpsed at him, trying but not being able to suppress her sadness which annoyed her in return. She could feel her lips begging to quiver with the sudden tears burning in her eyes. “Will you stop being mean? Because I sure have better things to do than listening to this nonsense in my precious lunchbreak.”

“Hey,” Lucien sat up now, eyeing her with care. “El. Are you going to cry?”

He reached out and lifted her chin, forcing her to look at him. As soon as he saw her severe expression his own teasing one faltered. “Ellie, I’m sorry. I’m only teasing. You know that I’m just teasing. Don’t cry now, okay?”

Elain bit her lip and pushed his hand away gently. “I’m not going to cry.” She attempted to persuade herself as much of this as him. Lucien handed her his glass of water which the female took gladly.

“Oh, Luce,” she said after drinking and settling the glass back onto the table. “It’s not you. I’m sad because Azriel and I had a fight.”

Lucien’s brows rose in earnest surprise. “Are you serious? This sounds like more of a joke than anything I said just now.”

Elain nodded gravely, frustration making her tighten her jaw. “Well … I don’t know. At least he seems to be mad at me for some reason but he won’t tell what’s wrong. He won’t talk to me at all.”

Lucien reached over and patted her arm in an attempt to soothe her. “Start from the beginning, Ellie. We still have time until lunch is over.”

So Elain told him all that had transpired that Friday evening, as ordinary a day as it seemed to her.

“I’m telling you, Luce, he just … stormed off and went to sleep. He’s been distant ever since. I’ve never seen him like this; it’s like I don’t even exist to him! I don’t know what to do.”

She buried her head into her hands, stifling the urge to free the sob that rose again and filled her throat thick. She and Azriel never fought. Not that this felt like a _fight_. He was just acting so strange, like a wall of brick she kept running against, and it made her miserable.

He wasn’t responding to her attempts of talking to him, to her usual teasing. Only the most necessary words were spoken by him. The worst thing was that Elain didn’t know what she’d done. How she’d wronged him. 

Yet she _ought_ to have hurt him somehow. Otherwise Az wouldn’t be acting like this. In fact, she hadn’t believed it possible he _ever_ act like this toward her.

“What did you say triggered him that night? You were … cuddling?”

Elain blushed as she was reminded again how she’d rested close to him. But that was nothing she hadn’t done before so why would it tick him off? Maybe her previous words, words about a fictional character she’d never intended to relate to Az himself brought him to the edge? She hadn’t meant to remind him of his once devastating longing for Mor.

“It didn’t trigger him, I don’t think so. But how would I know? He’s not talking to me.” 

“Well … Have you tried to address the elephant in the room?” Lucien offered. 

Elain stared at him in bewilderment. “What do you think? Of course I have!” 

“You asked him why he’s acting so distant and cold? Why he thought cuddling you was ‘weird’?” 

“Yes! I mean, I asked him if he was all right. I told him he was behaving strange.” Elain frowned, unsatisfied with her own answer.

Lucien shook his head with as much sympathy as he could muster, supporting his chin on the palm of his hand.

“Elain, you know how Az is. You have to confront him directly without giving him the chance to hedge. If you demand an answer, he will have to give you one. Stay firm.”

So Elain did. She determined to stay firm as she confronted Azriel the very same day, as soon as she came home. But once standing on the threshold of his room, she hesitated, fist lifted ready to knock on his door.

If Azriel ignored her, well, that would hurt. Crying in front of him would make her little more than outright pathetic – she knew for a fact he got all awkward when met with tears. But they were still best friends and Elain also knew Azriel hated to see her hurt. He would surely be understanding, right?

She knocked. “Az?”

No answer.

She knocked again, louder this time. “I know you’re in there, Azriel. I need to talk to you.”

After a few seconds of more silence, shuffling was heard on the other side of the door. When he finally opened the door and faced her, Elain took a moment to drink him in. He seemed a little pale and light stubble covered his jaw. Other than that, he refused to meet her eyes.

“Hey, you old caveman. May I ask when you plan to come out of your hide?”

She kept her tone easy, glossing over the fact she was left a little breathless when he met her eyes for a tiny second and quickly found the wall to her back much more interesting than her face.

He didn’t smile. His face was unmoving. Dread settled into Elain’s gut like heavy stone.

“I’m tired, El. I’ll go to bed soon.”

Again, that excuse.

“I thought we could have dinner together. I brought takeaway and I think you will be very pleased with what I got.” She grinned at him, wiggling her brows and trying to get a reaction out of him.

Still, he remained unresponsive.

“I’ve already eaten.” Taking a step back into the safety of his room, Azriel prepared to close the door. “You need anything else?”

Elain’s grin dropped from her lips, as did her hopes of her having imagined this distance between them. He still didn’t look at her, and the way he blocked every of her attempts to regain some of the intimacy they shared only made her feel desperate.

He proceeded to close the door – close it in her _face_ – when she spoke again, planting her hand on the wood to prevent him drawing back from her. “Yes, I do. What’s going on, Az? Why are you acting like this?”

Azriel stiffened, mouth tightening into a grim line. “Nothing’s going on.”

“Oh, shut up.” Elain took a step closer, wedging herself between door and frame while getting onto her tiptoes to forcefully meet his eyes. “You’re not even looking at me!”

She was certain he did it on purpose, just to prove her wrong, but he met her gaze then, eyes narrowed. “I just did.”

Insufferable prick. Before she could call him out, he surprised her balance by opening the door energetically and striding out of his room, rounding her frame to walk into their shared kitchen.

“But you’re acting so _weird_. You weren’t home all weekend and I had to probe Cassian until he told me you were gone with them.”

She followed him into the kitchen, pretty much talking to his back now. “You could have told me that instead of making me worry about your whereabouts. You’re being cold as if you’re upset with me and I’d just rather have you tell me what I did wrong than be given this stupid silent treatment!”

He listened to her protests, all the while keeping his focus on pouring himself a glass of water and drinking. His calmness only spurred Elain’s agitation.

“I’m not upset with you,” he stated, placing his glass in the sink without doing her the courtesy to look up.

Elain felt desperation flood her. If he kept denying that something was amiss, she could hardly make amends. Yet with his lack of cooperation, Elain didn’t feel like atoning at all. She felt like grabbing him by his ridiculously soft shirt and shake some sense into him. Maybe she should do just that.

 _Stay firm_ , Lucien had encouraged. _Don’t give up_ , Elain silently added herself.

But knowing Az, he wouldn’t admit into whatever was worming inside that brain of his until she truly went ahead and forced him to talk to her by invading his personal space. She wasn’t keen on spurring his anger – or, supposedly, the lack of it – but getting a reaction out of him now was crucial. If she allowed him to dodge, he would keep on doing just that – he was a master at staying beyond one’s reach if he wanted to stick to the shadows. Then, they would drift apart, not knowing why until they lived together as strangers. Maybe she was already exaggerating because it was Az, the Az she’d known for years and one stupid fight wouldn’t change that, but something stronger than dread gripped Elain at the thought that followed her anxiety.

She would be nothing less than miserable if he ever decided to move out. The fear cut clean and sharp like ice.

 _He wouldn’t_ , reason chimed in. _He’d never leave you alone._

Then again, he had never acted this unreasonable, had never given her the cold shoulder like now. Azriel was of peaceful nature, much like herself, and they didn’t fight. Period. Sure, some bickering was inevitable when you lived together but that was that and this was … unacceptable.

Elain let herself be led by the nagging voice of fear when she stepped incredibly close to get his attention, close enough to brush his arm and his chest when he turned in surprise. She’d totally intended to force him into talking to her, properly, lifting her chin and saying his name with purpose.

She must have entirely stunned Az, for his eyes riveted on her and didn’t leave. Instead, he inhaled deeply at her proximity which caused the distance between them to dwindle even further.

Elain was left being sucked into the pools of hazel warmth, the golden swirls she hadn’t really paid attention to until now, and the forest green specks that reminded her so of home.

 _Men shouldn’t be allowed to have such beautiful eyes_. The thought crossed her mind like a shooting star. _Or lashes this long_.

_His nose is too straight, his cheekbones too high, his lips too full, his jaw too sharp. Men shouldn’t be allowed to be this beautiful at all._

But here Azriel was, achingly gorgeous, and for some reason Elain’s eyes glued to the corner of his lips where still a droplet of water remained. Without really thinking about it, she reached to wipe it from his mouth.

Azriel’s hand grabbed her wrist before she could touch him. “Don’t.”

Elain shook her head, feeling dizzy. She couldn’t stop staring at the corner of his lips. “But you have –”

“I don’t care,” Azriel rumbled, low in his throat, almost like he was uttering a threat. Elain shivered. “Just don’t touch me.”

His words made her recoil, hurt flashing in her features and settling in the downturn of her mouth.

She shook his hand and stepped back, arms hanging to her sides uselessly. She felt too heavy too suddenly. “You used to not mind being touched by me. We were always so close.”

 _Used to. Were._ Already they were drifting apart.

Her heart ached.

Azriel gave a snort, humorless and dry. “Yeah. That seems to be the general issue here, doesn’t it?” he muttered, almost low enough for her to miss but she’d heard, and his words were now whirling inside her brain.

“It was never an issue for me,” she murmured, glancing down and trying to blink back the tears evoked by his blatant rejection. _Just don’t touch me_.

Just _what_ was happening to them?

He leaned on the kitchen counter, letting his head hang between his shoulders. Elain could feel the heaviness now settling over him too. Maybe it had always been there, on his shoulders, and she only just saw it.

“Stop. Please. You have no idea what you’re talking about. It makes me hate myself more than I already do.”

This was too much for her sore heart to take. The tears brimmed over silently.

She’d never intended to hurt him but here he was, looking so crushed under an invisible weight and it seemed like _she_ was the reason for his burden.

A burden. That’s the least she’d wanted to be for Az, for anyone.

Another couple of seconds passed when she couldn’t stop herself and stepped toward him, her hurt taking a backseat as she beheld her closest friend. The need to comfort him overweighed anything else.

“Then tell me. Please, Az. I love you and I hate to see you like this. Tell me and let me make it right for you _._ ” She had to force those words out in a croak, they hurt to be spoken aloud. But there it was; Elain bared her heart open for him, right there. A straw he _had_ to take.

It seemed her heart was the opposite to what he desired for Azriel locked up entirely, a distraught sound leaving his throat. Elain had the boding feeling he was going to break any second, any moment now, and that she’d made it incredibly worse.

“Don’t say that,” he rasped, shadows dancing on his face. “Don’t say you love me because you apparently have no idea what that does to me.”

Azriel straightened to his full height, a tall figure now hovering over her, making Elain tip her head back. Her heart beat like crazy against her chest until she feared it might just bolt out of her body, ready to be torn to shreds by the tormented way Az looked her in the eye. The silence settling into the room was of muted doom – the calm before the storm – and it did nothing to ease the ache seizing her heart as she kept staring into his eyes and a slow realization began to dawn.

“Because being your friend is not enough for me. Not anymore.”

The realization that had tediously started to make appearance now slammed into Elain, as fast and violent like a car crash, stealing all the air from her lungs. Nothing made sense as she was completely perplexed, not knowing what to think or to feel.

She could only stand there, stunned altogether, hand to her mouth and her eyes blown wide. Shaking her head, she whispered his name but Azriel’s expression shuttered and he backed off, retreating into the hallway.

“I can’t do this,” he croaked and turned.

Following after him was more a reaction than a conscious decision. “What – where are you going?” She reached for him and got a hold of his shirtsleeve. Grudgingly, he came to a stop.

“Stop, _please_ ,” Elain voiced, breathlessly. “Let me think. Just for a second.”

His shoulders seemed to droop further, marked by disappointment. “This has nothing to do with thinking. If you don’t feel the same, there’s nothing left to do.” And then, “I can’t stay here. It’s too much.”

Just like that, her worst fear loomed ahead. He planned to go. He planned to leave her, here in _their_ home. For the smallest moment Elain wondered if she’d summoned this outcome by fearing it as much as she did.

“Azriel,” her voice was thick with panic. He had to be hearing it, didn’t he? How much she needed him to stay? “Please don’t go. I just need time to sit and let it sink for a second. We can sort this out.”

Azriel’s features turned into a grimace and he lifted his hand to his face in an attempt to obscure the war of emotions from view. His jaw was tight, and his eyes aflame with the need to make her understand when he allowed her to look at him again.

“Elain, I can’t.”

The desperation in his tone made it hard to stand on her own legs; Elain leaned against the wall for support.

“I thought I could do this, after realizing what I felt, I thought I could see you day by day and it wouldn’t matter. I thought I could get over it if I tried hard enough, if I really wanted to I _would_ get over it. And I truly tried this time, El. I didn’t want to get over Mor but I wanted to get over you.

“I went on dates, I kissed other girls and I had a good time. It really seemed to be working. But then I come home to you running down the hallway to greet me with one of your bear-hugs and I forget the other girl. I forget my shitty day at work. I forget that I shouldn’t be feeling the way I do. I see your smile and the stupid curl in the back of your neck that refuses to be held in a knot, and I don’t want to kiss any other person ever again. I come home to you wearing my shirt and touching my hair and that’s _all_ it takes for me to forget everything. I’m done for you. Do you understand now why I can’t stay here? I have to leave because if I don’t, I fear I might be stuck forever.”

The revelation took Elain’s breath away, the news too much all at once. As if a tsunami washed over an entire city and left an unfamiliar landscape in its wake.

Elain didn’t know what to do with her shaking hands or her weakened knees – let alone which words to use to describe the turmoil within. She didn’t _know_ what she was feeling. All she knew was Azriel kept looking at her as if she’d broken his heart. As if he was leaving and she wouldn’t know how to make him stay.

Her chest constricting, Elain pressed her left hand flat against her chest. She desperately needed to sit down.

He had been hurting all along, forcing himself to stay with her, while she was here thinking they lived the best possible life together.

Elain and Azriel – the inseparable friends. He was the only one who understood her sense of humor, the hidden nerd within, and she was the sole person to cheer him up even when he didn’t want to. Together, they made sense. She had always drawn strength from his presence and expected him to do the same.

Had she brought him down this entire time? Did she step right into Mor’s role and put Azriel through the same pain all over again?

And then all the times she’d jumped him as soon as he came home because she always missed him so much whenever he was away, even if it was merely a few hours separating them. The times she’d kissed his cheek; wrapped her arms around him from behind, her head resting against his back right where his shoulder blades started. When she’d lain draped over his body on the couch, sleeping with their legs entangled. Oh, God.

Heavens, she’d worn his clothes whenever she liked. Never would she have guessed that when she did, he might look at her through a lover’s eyes.

Azriel, her lover. A shiver ran down her entire being, body and soul.

Shaken. That’s what she was. With desperate need to sit and let this sink.

But time was a precious thing, and so Elain wordlessly watched Azriel as he watched her, then shake his head, jaw tight. She watched him disappear into his room while she stood there leaning against the wall, and she watched him when he tugged on his jacket and left their home.

Before the door closed behind him, she said his name, asking him not to go. He froze as if he’d heard but it still wasn’t enough to make him stay. Elain let herself sink to the floor.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh my God, they were roommates.

Exhaustion turned her limbs leaden as Elain dragged herself to the kitchen, pouring the contents of her mug into the sink. The hot chocolate she’d prepared in hopes of lifting her spirits remained cold and untouched.

Not even the silly picture of a cute pug wearing round glasses with a red and yellow tie wrapped around its neck while sporting a lightning scar on its forehead – _Harry Pugger_ – could cheer her up. All this in spite of the world of Hogwarts being her go-to pick-me-up whenever she needed comfort. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban also did little to change her gloomy mood. But perhaps that was down to the fact it reminded her of Azriel.

He was the one on her mind so when the doorbell rang, she naturally assumed he was also the one who decided to return home. The tiny glimmer of hope dissolved when Elain was met with Lucien Vanserra instead, his brows furrowing as soon as he took a look at her face and her attire.

“You never call in sick, so I thought I’d stop by and check on you lest you turn into a ball of misery. As always, I happen to be right. You look terrible,” Lucien said by way of greeting.

Elain didn’t feel the energy to roll her eyes. Pivoting on the spot, she made her way back into the living room where she slumped on the couch and promptly huddled under the blanket. Sniffling, she mumbled, “I _feel_ terrible.”

Lucien stood and surveyed the apartment with clever eyes, his instincts razor sharp as she followed his gaze to Azriel’s wide open standing door. “Where’s your precious Az?”

Elain pursed her lips to try and prevent them from quivering but instead, her eyes welled up. There went her resolve to not cry whenever Az crossed her mind. She quickly hid her head under the blanket, waiting for the tears to subside and heard a subdued sigh coming from her co-worker – who also appeared to be one of her closest friends. _Not the closest though_ , she thought sullenly, _Azriel will always remain my best friend. I don’t care if he doesn’t want to._

She felt the couch dip beneath her as Lucien sat down and lifted an edge of the blanket, peering at her through the darkness. “I imagine your conversation didn’t go as planned. I’m sorry, Ellie.”

With a huff Elain yanked the cover from herself and kicked it off the couch.

“He’s so –”

He’s so … what, really? She didn’t know. All she knew was that Az shouldn’t have left. He should have stayed and let this turn of events sink in. Now, Elain was the one confused and with little possibility to keep their friendship alive.

She’d always thought them firm and unyielding. Every other friendship might have crumbled but not Az and Elain. Maybe it had been her faith in him that was relentless, stronger than anything.

She still believed in him. She would keep believing in Az, no matter what.

The Archeron turned to the red-head. “He just left, Lucien. He told me he wanted to be more … more than friends and then he left! You should’ve seen his face. He was so hurt.” Those miserable tears would take her again if she kept thinking about his face. Elain committed to the tiny anger she felt in her core instead, anger at Az for leaving her to deal with what he’d confessed – on her own.

Lucien was watching her with sympathy until a smile forced onto his face, for some inexplicable reason as far as Elain was concerned. “So he finally confessed, huh?”

Elain gasped. “You _knew_?” She pushed him in the shoulder. “You ass! Why didn’t you tell me? I could have … I would have done something to stop hurting him!”

“Like, kiss him?” Lucien suggested, raising his brows, now outright smirking.

Elain blushed violently, sputtering. “What – that’s … that’s not what I meant … How did you even know?”

He shrugged, settling back into the couch and crossing his legs. “I didn’t know but I suspected along with the others.”

Elain started for more reasons than one. “Which ‘others’ are we talking here?”

“Let’s see.” Luce began counting names off his fingers. “Feyre, Morrigan, Cassian, Rhys, Amren, Nesta. Even Varian.”

“What the pug!” Elain exclaimed, hands flying to her mouth. She stared at him in disbelief. “And you know that _because_?”

Lucien snickered. “Did you just say – Ow! Okay okay, stop hitting me!”

He fended off her punching fist and rubbed the sore spot on his arm. Elain had a feeling he started to regret telling her anything at all. “We might or might not have a bet going on about you guys.”

“A bet! You bet on me?”

Lucien winced at her accusing tone. “Don’t fault _me_. Your terrible, terrible family maneuvered me into that bet.” He frowned. “I now realize you cost me fifty bucks. I bet you’d confess within the year we met but you didn’t. At least Feyre is out too. I wouldn’t survive her cockiness. She bet on you confessing first but chose the span of five years instead –” She hit him again, causing Lucien to scoff at her. “You know, we believed in _you_ to take the reins.”

Elain’s face might have been on fire with the way her cheeks burned. She crossed her arms against her chest, irked. “You guys are impossible.” Then, her brows furrowed, voice softening. “You thought I was in love with him?”

Lucien faced her, sobering. “You tell me. Are you?”

A loose thread on her blanket suddenly seemed very inviting to stare at. “I … I never thought about it.”

Luce gave her a pointed look.

“I’m serious! I was happy with how things stood. Us, living together. Azriel just gets me. Apparently _he_ never was happy here.”

The red-headed male didn’t hesitate. “He was. It was plain as day.” Then, “I should have bet on him too.”

“Lucien!”

“Calm your pants. Do you want to know what I think?”

Elain nodded, though hesitant she may be.

“I think that you’ve always loved him a little too much to just be his friend. I mean, you’re living together. You light up like a Christmas tree when he’s in the same room. You don’t even see other guys. Tell me, when was the last time you went on a serious date?”

Pretending to ponder this question Elain hummed, tapping her chin. She ignored the first bit of his thoughts though the words echoed in her mind. _You’ve always loved him a little too much to just be his friend._

“ _We_ went on a date, remember?”

Lucien seemed mildly disturbed as if the concept of him and Elain going on a date irritated him. To be honest, Elain shared the sentiment. She might have thought he was a good fit when she first met him after he joined the company but … they weren’t made to match like that. Lucien was probably more like a sibling than anything.

“That was almost two years ago, Ellie. But I’m both honored and horrified you count me as one of your serious dates.” He winked at her, continuing with his point. “You didn’t go on dates after me?”

Shrugging, she mumbled, “I went on four or five.” More like one or two. One and a half. In the midst of their dinner one of the guys had accidentally eaten something he was allergic to. She’d driven him to the hospital and he’d still never called her back. It was hard not to be sore after that, even if embarrassment was what stopped him. Hello? She’d driven him to the hospital and stayed an hour to make sure he was okay! And they said tragic events tied people together. Pfft.

“And how many nights have you spent here with Azriel, staying in and watching movies? How many nights have you gone out, just the two of you? Don’t forget all the times you left me with the IC when both of you attempted to escape their shenanigans. It was one of those nights we made that bet, by the way. You don’t think that’s saying a lot about your feelings for him? That you’d rather spend time with him than your family or find your one true love? Perhaps your subconscious knew all along who it was. You two are practically together.”

Elain scoffed. So what if she didn’t go on dates? It had never bothered her to be single. Besides, Lucien knew how the IC could be. Who could blame them for bolting from their gatherings?

But he did have a point – she spent an awful lot of time with Azriel. Not just because they lived together but because they chose to.

“Well, Az went on lots of dates. He went on a date with _Katy_ just this past Friday. Having dates doesn’t mean anything, apparently.”

She shot him a pointed stare, silently clapping her back for that argument no matter how morbid it seemed to use Azriel’s love life to make sense.

Lucien shook his head though. He was smiling like she’d just shot herself in the foot. “Why do you say her name like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like you know her and don’t like her.”

Elain hesitated. “I’ve never even met her. Azriel barely talks about his dates.”

A triumphant expression entered his eyes. “You don’t say. I imagine it’s not very pleasing to discuss the date who’s supposed to get you over the woman you love _with_ the woman you love. But that’s not the point. The point is, you’re jealous. Why else would you dislike Katy if you don’t even know her?”

“That’s bullshit.” And totally true. She couldn’t even lie to herself. She’d never liked Katy and she’d also never been fond of the other women he dated. She just liked to have Azriel all to herself – so what?

Well, that definitely sounded a little troubling, didn’t it?

She shook her head, not ready to breach that dam yet.

“Even if I were jealous, it wouldn’t automatically mean I’m in love with him. I am … very appreciative of his friendship. That’s all.”

Once again Lucien had donned his trademark _stop_ - _shitting_ - _me_ -look. He rallied and approached her on a different way. Elain couldn’t shake the feeling he was trying to trap her.

“You mentioned Azriel having a date past Friday? What were you doing that evening then?”

That was easy. “I prepared for a Harry Potter night. What –”

Lucien cut her off with an exclaimed _Hah!_ that made her flinch hard.

She stared at him accusingly. The male couldn’t care less as he pointed at the frozen TV screen – Hermione was about to punch Draco Malfoy in the face. Actually, that was one of her favorite moments, so it occurred to her as surprising to say the least that she had stopped this short prior to that scene…

“You always watch Harry Potter when you’re miserable. This, right here, is my living proof. You were so upset that Azriel went on a date you chose to do the only thing that gives you comfort. I bet you did the exact same thing during his other dates. This isn’t just jealousy on friendship-level. This is _jealousy_ jealousy. This is I-hate-that-you-are-dating-anyone-but-me jealousy. Just admit it already.”

During his goddamn _plea_ Elain’s heart started to thump faster, her cheeks burning. The dam was breaking, and it was breaking fast.

Could it really be that her love for Azriel – the familiar alley in her heart reserved for him – had taken this strange, unexplored turn without her notice?

All of it made perfect sense. She and Azriel made perfect sense – this, she had always known. But like … lovers? Elain and Azriel, lovers?

God help her, something mighty that had been asleep awakened with the thought.

Lovers. Lovers. Lovers. The drumbeat of her heart. A shiver running down her spine as the thought rolled all over her, testing and probing.

That night of Azriel’s date passed her mind like a dream. What exactly had ridden her to grab his shirt and don it? She could have been wearing dozen other shirts of her own, and she’d lied to him about the unwashed oversized shirt of hers. She remembered padding into his room and seeing the fabric lying on his bed, worn and discarded. It was instinct to retrieve it. God, she’d brought it to her nose and smelled it because she liked his scent so much.

Her giddiness when Az came home earlier than expected – her comment insinuating he might stay the night at Katy’s place – resurfaced too. She’d wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed his cheek. All the times she’d been extremely touchy-feely with him, well knowing he didn’t allow anyone as close and silently indulging in that.

Perhaps that dam had already been broken all this time.

Lucien ignored her shaken state; he pressed ahead.

“Do you even realize how often you speak of him? You’re like his biggest fan. Even when he’s not there, he still is wherever you are. I noticed this on our first date; he’s the reason we never worked out.”

Elain momentarily broke from her stupor. “What? I always assumed you thought I was too quirky to date.”

Lucien frowned at her. “I would never think something as snobby as that, Archeron. Although I confess you _are_ a little nerdy – Okay, I deserved that,” he groaned when she pinched his side. “You have a little violence problem going on, you know that Ellie?”

She ignored that but sat straight. “Why was Azriel the reason you stopped dating me? Did he … talk to you or something?”

Was it completely silly of her to imagine Azriel’s deep, angry growl as he used it against Lucien, claiming his territory? What of the excited thrill claiming her senses at the thought of that?

A broken dam couldn’t be remade and she didn’t try to. With the water rushing through, the mud cleared, leaving her with growing shock for the blatant affection and love she shared for her roommate.

Was it really that surprising though? She might not have named whatever she felt for him but she’d still _felt_ it. Loving Azriel as her best friend wasn’t so different from loving him with her entire heart, or her lover, she imagined. The lines were already kind of blurred between them – unsurprising when one lived together with their best friend and perhaps the love of their life.

“No,” Lucien shook his head. “You were the one who didn’t stop talking to me about him. At first, I thought you were trying to convince me for some weird threesome thing because you kept bringing him up. But then I realized you were in love with this dude and that’s why I kept our relationship strictly to the friend zone. You might not see it, but it’s plainly visible to any outsider. And after meeting him, I kind of started … shipping you two? I know it’s weird, but you just belong together.”

So, to sum things up, Elain was most certainly, provably in love with Azriel Anwar Asker. Probably at least for the past two years. Casual. For pug’s sake, what’s new?

“Oh God, Lucien,” she started, reaching for the male and squeezing his arm. “What do I do now? He’s gone, and probably hates me for putting him through the same shit he’s been suffering all his adolescence loving Mor.”

Lucien pried her tight grip from his arm and patted her hand with his own, brotherly. “I don’t think he’s able to hate you. But the guy’s been in love with you forever, and I bet it stung every time you reminded him he can’t have you the way he wants. What you have to do now is easy.” He fixed her with his eyes and smirked.

“You want him too? Then you go and get him.”

_I go and get him. Just go and … get him. Easy. It’s going to be easy._

This was her mantra for the next half an hour as she quickly changed into presentable clothes and washed her face. There was nothing to do against the puffy eyes but it didn’t matter anyway. If Azriel refused to come home, she could continue right where she left off – crying herself dry on the couch and watch Hermione punch Draco in the face.

Assuming that Azriel had spent the night at Rhys’s shared apartment with Cassian, Elain decided to just try there first. She pounded on the door until Cass’s bulky figure replaced it, Elain barely refraining from keep on pounding on his chest. She ought to get it together, for God’s sake.

“Woah, Ellie, what’s –”

She broke him off before he could finish.

“Hey, Cassian. Sorry to intrude but is he here? Is Azriel here?” she rushed to speak, barely separating the words. Judging by his expression, he understood though, glancing over his shoulder into the apartment. A frown crossed his face.

Elain didn’t even wait for him to dismiss her but barreled inside – just in time to see Azriel standing in front of the kitchen door, shaking his head and signaling ‘no’ with butter knife in one hand and a fork in the other. He stopped short when she appeared to have seen him standing there, and a guilty expression stole in his face before he wiped it off carefully. Like butter on bread. That stupid _prick_.

“Seriously?!” she exclaimed in disbelief.

He had the audacity to wince and sigh _and_ looked as bad as she felt, clad in black from head to toe. “Elain, what are you doing here?”

Gathering her composure – she had to ignore how sad he seemed or she’d start crumbling – she steeled her shoulders, hanging onto the anger.

“You.” She pointed to him, then back at the door. “We’re going _home_.”

Although there was no room for objections in her voice, he still managed to shake his head, mumbling, “I can’t go there yet. I need time.”

_Yet_. So he planned to come back home at some point? Elain considered giving him the time he desired but quickly discarded the option. He thought he _needed_ time to come to terms with her rejection. But she hadn’t even rejected him. They needed to talk _now_.

As stubborn as he was, she would have to use brute force to get him back.

_Sure, easy. And if he ends up suing me, then that’s just how it is. No one will accuse me of not having fought for the love of my life._

Elain crossed the room over to him, prying the items from his fingers in one sweeping motion. Grabbing his hand, she started to tug a very surprised Azriel to the door.

“You’re. Coming. With. Me,” she ground out, huffing a little because _dang_ , he was heavy.

The only reason why Az let her move him from place was his initial shock. He stood his ground a second later, not budging when Elain used all her strength against him.

“Elain, you need to understand –”

“Azriel. Anwar. Asker. _You_ need to understand that _you_ are coming with me, whether you like it or not. You can’t just say what you did and hide here. I won’t allow that. We need to talk about this.”

As crushed as he looked, Elain found it increasingly difficult to keep this tough masquerade up, to not just cave in and hug him tight – make him forget his pain.

Strands of his black hair fell in his brow as he clenched his teeth together. His voice was hoarse when he muttered, “I don’t think I can talk about it yet. I can barely look you in the eye.”

True to his words, he was avoiding eye contact. Elain couldn’t stand this another second.

She stepped close – memories of last night resurfaced, making her knees wobble – and reached for his cheeks. She cradled his face in her hands and practically forced him to look at her. The circles under his eyes were dark and purple. If eyes could frown in sadness, his were doing just that. Elain made an impromptu decision.

Despite all the hard edges to his features – the sharpness of his jaw and cheek bones, the straight nose and thick, even brows – his lips were as soft as pillows when Elain closed the distance and placed hers on them. It was a chaste and short kiss – a peck, really – but something that would make him hesitate in his stubbornness. A kiss that would make him come back.

When she pulled away, he was nothing short of gaping at her.

A gasp resounded in the room, making Elain turn and find that Cassian was still standing there, equally gaping. A big grin spread onto his face as he held a hand to his chest.

“That was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” his rumbling voice added.

Elain rolled her eyes at him, mouthing _Go!_ and shooting a pointed look toward his room. Cassian turned, disappointed to be forced to take a leave, but didn’t miss goggling at them every few steps as he slowly – _slowly_ – left them alone. No doubt carrying on listening in on their conversation with his ear pressed against his door.

Elain spotted Feyre’s dark purple leather jacket hanging from the back of a chair and stifled a huff. It seemed they had an entire audience here.

She ignored the eavesdroppers and faced Azriel who still seemed cell shocked. “You had no right to hit me with that … insight to your feelings like a brick to the head and disappear without giving me the time to let it sink,” she told him.

“I won’t have you leave me like that. You can’t just throw away a friendship like ours and expect me to be okay with it.” Elain sighed, hands still cradling his face. Azriel scanned her features, his eyes roving over every inch. When they landed on her mouth, he gulped.

Experiencing a kiss with him had been equally mind-blowing and scary but also _intimately_ _right_. Gone were the doubts of their relationship straining into an awkward shadow of what they’d once been. They wouldn’t change, except … getting closer. And Elain loved being closer to Azriel.

If he was still up for it, that is.

“Not to mention that I’ve _apparently_ been feeling the same without noticing, so…” Azriel looked like his eyes were going to pop out of their sockets. Elain blushed and cleared her throat. _Not here._ Her ears already registered a shuffling sound from behind the closed door to Rhys’s room.

“Are you going to come home with me, Az?”

She wished with all her heart for the warmth to return to their sacred place. Their safe haven, with all the memories they shared.

Azriel hadn’t spoken a word, and speechless he remained when he swallowed and nodded. Elain couldn’t help the big grin slipping her features.

Not even a second after they’d shut the door of the apartment behind them, cheering erupted in there. Someone had officially won a bet.

…

The ride home was quiet.

As Elain kept sneaking glances at the male, she wondered what he was thinking. Was he feeling the same blooming sensation in his chest? That hopeful thing making her tingle to the fingertips with anticipation?

She wanted nothing more than to touch his face again, to feel his lips slide against her own – the sensation still so new and ready to be explored while old as tale at the same time. This chemistry between them had always been there; she’d just confused it for less than it was – always playing it down for a special kind of friendship. And _special_ it was.

Elain had imagined her need to be closer to Az, her need for physical nearness, was a consequence of her personality, for her so-called love language was physical affirmation and love languages didn’t just concern one’s relationship to their partner but the general connection to others.

Her desire to be close to Azriel went beyond her natural instincts though. She knew that now.

Azriel finally caught one of her sneaky glances and held her eyes. Unspoken feeling, thick and yearning, churned in his expression.

Elain broke off the contact to look back at the road, blushing like a rose. _Woah. Intense_.

But … why hesitate? Why wait? When she reached over, his hand met her fingers halfway and laced them together.

He held her hand all the way back home and reached for her again as soon as they exited her car. Az held her hand until they reached the apartment, Elain letting go in order to search for her keys, already regretting the lost contact.

Once inside their place, she watched Azriel as he stepped in first and inhaled deeply, rooted in place in the hallway. She could tell he missed this, _her_ , even from the stance of his body. They had spent a single night apart. One night that felt like an entire week. How had she ever dealt with missing him this much? It went so far as that she ended up missing him even when he was close.

Azriel made his way into his room and Elain decided some tea would soothe their strained nerves, veering into the kitchen and turning on the kettle.

She strode into the living room with their drinks five minutes later, her eyes immediately finding Azriel’s. He was already sitting on the couch, wearing his lazy hoodie-and-sweatpants combo – and no black clothes. The memory of him standing to her with his bare back, clad only in his boxers, decided to haunt her now, of all times. Great. She was blushing again.

Azriel didn’t seem to notice as he cracked a grin, beholding her choice of mugs: one pictured a snail that was being salted and the inscription _Help! I’m being a-salted_. The other showed a wiener dog and the words _I like your …_

“You’re insufferable,” he muttered with mischievously shining eyes. Elain shot him a grin and placed their mugs on the table, taking a seat next to him. She wasn’t close enough to automatically touch him but in immediate vicinity. So, if he ever wished to reach out and grab her, he could. She wouldn’t exactly mind.

“Hi,” she offered after a few seconds of them silently staring at each other.

“Hey.”

Elain leaned back into the couch, folding her legs under her body. “You can start explaining, you know.” She tried and failed to raise one of her brows.

“What do you want me to say? I already told you how I feel,” Azriel voiced, a blush rising to his cheeks.

Elain snorted. “More like threw it in my face and expected me to be totally sane about it.”

“You think it’s insane that I love you?” Azriel frowned.

Elain’s head swayed hearing him say the words. And he wondered why she was left flabbergasted after he spouted these things when she least expected it? Yes, _way_ to stay sane with this guy.

“It is a _little_ insane, isn’t it? I mean, it came out of nowhere! You didn’t even give me a chance to think about it, much less to reciprocate. You just assumed that I couldn’t be feeling the same and left me to deal with your confession on my own. Az, that was so unfair.”

Azriel’s brows furrowed as he opened his mouth for a retort but shut it closed again, changing his mind. He struggled with words, arms crossed over his chest, until he relented and let the tension desert his body.

“I guess you’re right, I blindsided you there,” he conceded. “But you have no idea how long I’ve struggled with this. Our friendship was at stake, and that’s why I kept all these feelings to myself, thinking I’d lose you altogether if I confessed. I _thought_ I had lost you last night.” His voice was hoarse and cracked as he said those words, nicking Elain’s heart in the process.

“You couldn’t have possibly lost me, Az. Don’t you know how much I need you? I was _heartbroken_ to see you leave.” Her fingers itched to touch him, to make sure he would never go anywhere again.

Azriel met her eyes. “You were constantly reminding me how we were best friends and only that. I felt like a complete asshole, betraying our friendship because I wanted you this entire time.” He winced and let his head hang. The corners of his mouth drooped as he was left being disappointed with himself. “I’m sorry I ruined everything.”

Elain couldn’t help herself as she shifted closer and placed her hand on his thigh, squeezing. “You didn’t ruin anything. I’m still here, aren’t I? You haven’t lost me. And you’re back where you’re supposed to be, too.”

“I’m supposed to be on this couch, drinking tea out of your silly mugs?” he said weakly, an attempt to tease that lifted some of the weight on Elain’s shoulders.

She cracked a smile. “You’re supposed to be by my side where you belong.”

Azriel held her gaze, softly inhaling through the nose. The female reached for his hand at last, settling their interlaced fingers on her thigh and staring at the image of them. His scars fit into her palm like a perfect piece of puzzle.

“You know, I kept insisting on our friendship because I was assuring myself that we were only friends. I kept justifying my behavior in my own head, thinking friends could go as far as we were going every day. But … friends don’t sleep entangled together like we did. They aren’t heartbroken when the other goes on dates with different girls. They are not incoherently _jealous_ about that, either.” She shrugged, avoiding his eyes.

“You were jealous of my dates? Heartbroken?” His voice sounded confused and hopeful at the same time.

“Hell yes,” Elain told him. “I hated letting you go on your stupid dates while a tried to distract myself at home watching Harry Potter movies and waiting till you got back. That’s why I always teased you about them. I can’t even blame you for not taking the hint though since I’m apparently just as blind. And they’re _my_ feelings.” She let out a nervous chuckle and smoothed her free hand over the back of his, following the trail of his scars with the tip of her finger.

Azriel reached and lifted her chin, gently – the ghost of a touch. His face was mere inches from her own as their eyes met.

“You … you said you felt the same. Do you …?” he asked, the unspoken words swirling in the air until Elain grabbed them and made them hers.

“I told you that I loved you, Azriel. Way before you admitted that you love me.” She faced him with her body. “Remember? I said, ‘I love you’ and ‘let me make it right for you’. I could have righted it then, if you’d just shown a little patience to your poor roommate.” Her fingers threaded through his hair and pushed the strands of ink out of his brow, smoothing her thumb beneath his eyes. He leaned into the palm of her hand.

“I’m sorry I left,” he whispered.

“You better never do that again, Asker.”

He shook his head, silently promising _I won’t_ , and helplessly reached for her.

His arms wound around her waist, holding her to him, and she melted into his embrace, straddling his lap. Elain hugged him tight enough that it might have hurt, cradling his head into her neck. The anger that had helped her stay afloat dissipated into thin air and left her body trembling in his arms. The emotional chaos of the past few days catching up into relief as she finally had her Azriel back. The male seemed just as shaken and worn out.

She pressed a kiss to his temple, tears pooling in her eyes. It meant _everything_ to her, to have him back. It was the last bit of proof to confirm Lucien’s – hell, the entire Inner Circle’s theory. A proof she didn’t need but would gladly take into this new shared life with her … lover.

“You know,” she began, sniffling. “Snape might have loved Lily to death and beyond, but no one has ever loved as Elain loves Azriel. Call it what you want – as a fellow Potterhead, my roommate, or best friend. As my lover. I’ve loved you each way for hundreds of days and hundreds will follow.”

She kissed his other temple, the tip of his nose.

“There are no labels for the way I love you. No one will ever love you like I do.”

Both his cheeks received a kiss. Elain’s fierce eyes met Azriel’s, liquified amber.

“Not Morrigan, not Katy, no other girl you’ve ever been with. You’re mine, Azriel. You’ve always been mine to love.”

Azriel exhaled a shaky breath, eyes glazing over and his hand cradling her head. He pulled her down to his mouth.

The kiss that followed her claim was breathtaking and a response to her words. He told her that _yes, there’s no love like yours._

_Yes, they don’t compare._

_And_ yes _, I’m yours._

I’m yours.

**A month later**

“El, I’m home!”

The silver dangler she’d been trying to put through the tiny hole in her earlobe pricked her skin instead when she flinched in surprise. “Shit!”

“Babe?” Azriel called, concern tinting his voice.

Elain couldn’t care less about wearing matching earrings as she had been waiting for this moment for the past few hours. She threw the jewelry on her bed and rushed out of her room. Spotting Azriel still standing by the door, taking off his coat, she took off into a sprint and jumped his tall figure.

Azriel sensed her in the very last moment and let his cloak fall to the ground in order to catch his small girlfriend as she threw herself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist.

He didn’t have the time to voice his surprise until Elain was peppering kisses all over his face.

“I,” – a kiss to his brow and cheek – “missed you,” – she kissed the tip of his nose, the corner of his mouth – “so much.”

Azriel was chuckling – his teeth might have gotten a kiss in the process too – and wrapping his arms around her rear. The deep rumble reverberated through her chest right into her heart.

Ah, the pleasure of making Az happy was all Elain’s.

“We had lunch together a few hours ago,” he managed to say through the smacking sound of her kisses.

Elain pulled back, resting her elbows on his shoulders and grinning at him. “You can’t forbid me to miss you.”

“I wouldn’t dare,” Azriel voiced, smirking. Elain pressed one last kiss to his mouth and entangled her limbs from him.

“I’m ready to go. Can we?” she asked, eagerly taking his hand and picking his coat from the ground, handing it over.

“Is that … my hoodie?”

She found his gaze raking over her body, over the white soft hoodie of his she’d donned and paired with some overknee black boots. She’d even matched a thin belt to her waist to make the look more feminine.

The darkening of his eyes let her know just how much he appreciated her outfit. It made her reconsider and plan their night out into spending it right here, at home.

_Nope, none of that_. They were going on this date.

“Eyes up, Asker,” she playfully scolded him and pinched his side even as her cheeks heated.

Az did as he was told, smirking nonetheless, when his gaze stopped just above her shoulder. He raised a brow. “I think you’re missing an earring.”

Elain cupped her hands under her chin, sweetly smiling and batting her lashes at him. “You don’t like it? It’s called fashion, sweetie. Look it up.”

When an amused snort was his only response, Elain signaled him to wait and dove back into her room, donning the earring. A last check in her body-length mirror showed her rosy cheeks and excited eyes.

Happiness was the best accessory a woman could wear, and tying her hair back into a high ponytail would highlight that sentiment perfectly. Elain felt the need to share her happiness with the entire world. Not even the stubborn baby curl in the back of her neck that refused to stick to her head would change her mood.

When she returned into the hallway, Elain stopped short upon seeing her boyfriend standing there with a bouquet of roses in his hands. His shy smile did things to her heart.

“Just because I can,” was his sole explanation.

His words more than the gesture made her want to tear up, as he finally allowed himself to truly have her. His lover.

Elain stepped up to him and accepted the roses, their scent washing over her. She stepped on her tiptoes and kissed him sweetly, kissed him in gratitude. Kissed him in love. 

Azriel smiled into their kiss as his hand glided into her neck and blindly found that rebellious curl of hers, twisting it around his finger. _I love you_ , every gesture of his meant _. I love you like this. And I love you like this._

“I love you,” he whispered. “Because I can.”

And thus, the story of how Elain and Azriel became lovers was that – a story worth for the books. A love worth to have a story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved to write this story - I hope you enjoyed to read it as much. Over on tumblr I choose songs for each of my fics, like a theme song. Lover by Taylor Swift fits perfectly, which comes as a big surprise I imagine. 😉❤️

**Author's Note:**

> Part II will be up soon, hopefully. Thanks for reading! 💙


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